i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
