It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
