Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
