hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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