btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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