First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
