The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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