I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
