I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
