You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
