Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
