Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize