Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
