yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
