He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
