i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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