I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
