had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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