This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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