I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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