I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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