Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
God, you're like boner-b-gone
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize