Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
