u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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