Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
