Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
