i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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