On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
