I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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