Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
and you fell through a lawn chair
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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