I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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