That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
