She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize