Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
