where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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