I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
