I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
