i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
jump out the window naked night went bad
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
