my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize