I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
