On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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