i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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