I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
