onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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