At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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