The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
