My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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