she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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