i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
