I cockslap morals
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
