What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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