just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
