Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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