dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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