i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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