I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
