My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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