bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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