I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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