i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
