The maid of honor just puked.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
