so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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