I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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