WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
