More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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