dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize