Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I supernannyed him into submission
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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