At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize