I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
