We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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